This time around it will be different.

I will make up for all the times that you said I looked beautiful, complimenting me everytime we met. I know, I didn’t show you how much it meant to me that you said those things. But, I secretly loved it. 

I know because of my insecurities I refused to believe it. To believe that I was beautiful. To believe that you could actually mean those words. My doubts made me ignore your love. Your kindness. Your ability to observe everything about me. What I wore. How I looked that day. Now I know it was affection not pretense.
I was wrong to not do the same for you. I was wrong to never give you a single word of compliment though you showered me with many. 

I will make up for all the times where you tried to create a magical moment, something that would have been a wonderful memory inbuilt forever in our minds. Like when you danced with me in public display and broke out one of your funny dances. But, I got shy and sat down making you stop. Or the time you tried dancing with me at you place and I didn’t respond. I just stood there and was cold.

I should have danced that same silly dance you did or even more, break out some of my wierd dances that I normally do when no one is around. 

I will make up for the times when I didn’t show I cared. I didn’t tell you how much I loved seeing you. How much I missed you. I didn’t tell you that I loved you.

Yes, I am very closed up because I was so scared of getting hurt. Of being too affectionate and having to feel like I didn’t get what I gave. I know I should have showed you the love and care that you deserve.

I will make up for the times I was extremely mean and rude. You of all people didn’t deserve the f word. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Yes, I am always hard on people I love. It’s hard to love someone who you are scared might hurt you. 

I will make up for the times that I lied that I prefered another guy to you.

It was a fat ass lie. I wanted you to be jealous. I wanted to know if you would fight for me. If you would not give up. I know you didn’t give up. You still tried. 

When you said you and I were good together. I should have said yes I felt the same way. I should have never said the other guy was what I wanted. When I knew I wanted you.

I will make up for the times when you asked me to come home, so you could cook me a meal. And all I did was be rude about it and told you I didn’t want you to cook for me. All I cared about was my anger on other flaws that you had, that I didn’t let your good side be accepted.

I should have said what I felt. But, I was angry at you for not having time to be there always. Though, maybe I should have understood you better. Tried to make the best of the gestures and things you wanted to do for me.

I will make up for the times you wanted to hand over your shirt to me because I was feeling cold. You didn’t care what people would say on the street or if you weren’t wearing much underneath. 

I always let my shyness come in between us. I should have made a moment out of that and then maybe laughed about it later on. 

Or the time you wanted to carry my heavy bag and I shrugged you off rudely. I know I can’t express myself really well. I should have let you help me. I should have made you feel that I loved your support.

I will make up for the times you tried to get me back and I was just plain rude and cold. Though I wanted us to get over the issues and get back together.

I will make up for the times that I didn’t tell you on the call that I wanted us back. Even though you asked me what I wanted. And I said I didn’t know. I just was wishing you would say the words and I would agree. But I guess you were hurt already by me that you were scared too.

I will make up for the times that we were together and I didn’t hug you tight. Hold you close In stead being all distant so I didn’t get attached to you. 

I wish I could go back in time and redo it all. I know no one would have allowed themselves to be treated that way. But you cared so much about me even though your words some times spoke the opposite. And my actions spoke the opposite of my heart. 

I wish I could make up for all those times.

I wish I could. But you already told me you have someone new. 

So, I will make up for those times by working on my flaws. Growing into a matured woman. Someone who has control over her feelings and emotions. Someone who would live in the present rather than let the thought of the future destroy the good of the present.

I will make up for those times by taking the first step of letting you get the love that you deserve. Or the kind of affection that you want and need. 

Hopefully, she treats you better than I did.

Written by Grace balogun


4 thoughts on “This time around it will be different.

    1. Yes. I was going to tear up while I wrote it too. It’s something very personal. I just got inspired to write about it. It is very sad. Still hurts. 😦 😦 thank you for your words ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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