Yes, I shouldn’t have asked. 

When I knew deep down.

I was scared of the answers.

I knew I didn’t want to know.

What if it was, what if it were.

What if it was the worst thought that I had in my mind.

But, yet I asked.

I wanted to know. I wanted to hear the opposite of what you said.

I wanted to hear no. 

I wanted you to say that you were still single.

That you haven’t found anyone. That you were not being touched by her. Or that you weren’t touching her.

But, I asked. And I got the answers I didn’t want to hear.

Those words crushed my heart. It felt like an arrow pierced through. It couldn’t escape. It was stuck there.

I felt a huge black cloud cover my ability to think straight. 

I wanted to reverse time. Go back to when I decided not to ask you. Where I decided that it was best I didn’t know. It was best. It was best, I didn’t know.

This is the best example of curiosity killing the cat. I became the cat that died that moment. 

I felt ashamed. I don’t know why. I felt betrayed by myself. By you. By her.

I knew it was too soon. Too soon to hear it. I was still fragile. I was still vulnerable to your words. I wasn’t strong yet.

I felt numb. I felt dumb to speak. I couldn’t say anything to you to change things. 

I had lost in this battle. I had failed. 

It still hurts sometimes when I think of it. I try not to think. I try not to imagine you with her. I just can’t. It would kill me.

Maybe, one day you will be back. But, I don’t think I would take you back. Not to date again. But, just as friends. Yes. 

I want you to be present in my life. I want to feel like we are still in good terms. Because what hurts the most is the fact that I can’t talk to you like before.

I want to talk. As friends. Just to get over all that had happened. 

If I know you are still there to talk. If I know you still want to talk to me. I would feel alive again.

Because you disappearing is what hurts the most. Absolutely,  hurt the most.

Written by Grace balogun

8 thoughts on “I shouldn’t have asked.

  1. This is so real and true, I understand completely. I have experienced this exact thing almost. It hurt so bad! You are so great at capturing human emotion and allowing readers to feel it with you. This was a hard read ,I can’t deny that…. but I am so so glad I read it! Thank you for sharing it with us. I am sending you a big virtual hug. You are brilliant – never forget that!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww. Wow. I feel emotional. Thank you so much. It is something that is difficult. I struggled so much cz it kind of renewed all the emotions and hurt. But writting does help heal. It’s a very bad thing to experience but I guess what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Thank you so much for your support. Much love. ❀ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The thing is, that almost every humanbeing has experienced exactly this. That asideit still feels like only you. You are right, we miss the easiness the trusting relaxed conversations the… guess what i have seen today kind of thing, you get from best friends and family. You don’t get it back the way it was, cos it has been cracked, broken and is now flawed. But you are upset that you couldn’t keep the question in and leave with him thinking ‘ oh she surrvives alone, she didn’t shrivvel without me’ that may have hurt less but it still would have hurt. Thanks for sharing and remember you are not alone. Your pen bleeds for you, you don’t have to at all. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes you explained it really well. It’s like that escape from reality. Even though you hv a clue that it is what it is but you would hv escaped it. Yes it would still hurt but atleast you didn’t put more salt in the wounds. N yes I know I’m not alone. My pen speaks and takes my hurt out of my chest. My healer. My strength. I appreciate you discussing this with me. You are awesome. 😘

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    1. Hahahaha glad it turned you into s woman thinking about how she was conveying her struggle. I did my job well done. 😊😊😊 thanks for your comment.

      Like

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