Yes, I shouldn’t have asked.
When I knew deep down.
I was scared of the answers.
I knew I didn’t want to know.
What if it was, what if it were.
What if it was the worst thought that I had in my mind.
But, yet I asked.
I wanted to know. I wanted to hear the opposite of what you said.
I wanted to hear no.
I wanted you to say that you were still single.
That you haven’t found anyone. That you were not being touched by her. Or that you weren’t touching her.
But, I asked. And I got the answers I didn’t want to hear.
Those words crushed my heart. It felt like an arrow pierced through. It couldn’t escape. It was stuck there.
I felt a huge black cloud cover my ability to think straight.
I wanted to reverse time. Go back to when I decided not to ask you. Where I decided that it was best I didn’t know. It was best. It was best, I didn’t know.
This is the best example of curiosity killing the cat. I became the cat that died that moment.
I felt ashamed. I don’t know why. I felt betrayed by myself. By you. By her.
I knew it was too soon. Too soon to hear it. I was still fragile. I was still vulnerable to your words. I wasn’t strong yet.
I felt numb. I felt dumb to speak. I couldn’t say anything to you to change things.
I had lost in this battle. I had failed.
It still hurts sometimes when I think of it. I try not to think. I try not to imagine you with her. I just can’t. It would kill me.
Maybe, one day you will be back. But, I don’t think I would take you back. Not to date again. But, just as friends. Yes.
I want you to be present in my life. I want to feel like we are still in good terms. Because what hurts the most is the fact that I can’t talk to you like before.
I want to talk. As friends. Just to get over all that had happened.
If I know you are still there to talk. If I know you still want to talk to me. I would feel alive again.
Because you disappearing is what hurts the most. Absolutely, hurt the most.
Written by Grace balogun