Losing Herself.

Life has always been something that was drawn in a specific way on a piece of paper. Each line were there for a purpose. Each path were taken learning from the rules of the books. The rules were stagnant. The rules were all that was to be true. To be considered important. Nothing else mattered. It proved what was right or wrong. What behaviour that was to be encouraged. What was to be purnished. It wouldn’t dare spilling out of the ordinary. Just being a piece of the puzzle that was supposed to fit perfectly to complete the phase of the game. If it were to not fit was to cause chaos. Break the particular system that was built to control outcomes and perfections. 

There was a pattern. A dramatic black and white shades of life. Nothing was ever in between. Music had a specific tune. It didn’t make you laugh. It didn’t make you cry. It was just tunes that had no purpose. It was just rhythms that float in the air. It had its identity but that’s all it had. These music was her identity. No one heard the tunes. People couldn’t relate to what she heard. It’s heart they never saw. It’s love they didn’t want.

 The music was transparent. See through but so distant. This music made her. The lines built her soul. The lines didn’t deviate from the plan. They stood and walked. Obeyed all commands. If at all she wanted them to dance she could let them dance. She could turn them to flowers. She could make them stones. Which gave them flexibility. They deserved freedom. They deserved hapiness. So did she. She was tied to their soul and they were tied to hers. She would let them go. Let herself go. Allow them heal her. Allow them be her light through the darkeness. 

She could be herself again by losing herself. 

It wasn’t easy. Losing all that she knew. All that were her. Most of the lines that built her bones. Those lines she had to bend. She had to let loose. Untie the rope. Choose a doffered side that was still her. Unwrap the gift she once never wanted. But that is her only hope. Her only chance to redemption. She trusts. She takes the leap of faith. She strives.  Swims because she knows she won’t drown no more. She believes in her strength. She caters to her mind. She is strong. 

To no more of the lines. She finally will see the other side. Unravel this journey and  disappear in thin air. To be no more. But, still found within. To lose herself but not completely.

 She finds herself in the loss of her whole being.

Written by Grace balogun.

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You and me.

I look at you and me as just a one plus one makes two of us. Completing each pieces that was left unsolved. Placing each broken parts of my heart where they belong. Life has done me good by bringing you close. 

Though distance takes our faith in its hands but miracles I believe in. I know within. There is more to be cherished. There are memories that will not perish. They will be stored up in our lives like books store up on shelves to be re-read and relived. 

I say I will be by your side. I will be there till you say I shouldn’t. I know life has its reasons why you are placed in my path. I will choose to treasure the reasons deep down the chest of my heart. 

For I will be true to you. Bust every move to get to the ends of the earth. I shall see you when time decides. Till then I will make the best of what’s at sight. 

Written by Grace Balogun to a special someone Lito Lopez ❤

Blindfolded

Straight towards uncertainty. Beauty unseen. Heart that is more enveloped within its own core. For I have seen all that is. All that is hidden. Though, I must say hidden with a purpose. Just like a treasure. Not meant to be searched for. Dugged up. Found from its beneath mighty dirt. But to be seen even though unseen. Looked through as an honest mind in all its glory for attributes that makes one’s thirst quench in the art of humanity that is brought forth.

Thou shall not break for nothing. For one has accepted the truth that is hidden. Generosity gained for words. Words spoken out of life that lives within the home of much understanding. 

Let thy wings spread to eternity for thou has seen the unseen. Not out of curiousity but out of a mind to see a soul that lays within. 

Words are life. Actions are soul. Superficial is only mere a split second that can’t let life live but be burried in it. Truth lies in being seen for spirit which lies within and not through physicality. 

Blindfolded but sees with so much clarity. The darkness brings out colours that rejoices together because one has been seen. Seen for the truth.

Written by Grace balogun.

Consciousness

Deep meanings are found beneath the surface. Depths of molecules that surrounds our consuming spirits.  

Beyond the realm of subconsciousness,  there lies our concious soul. Guilding through eternity. Dancing between its lifetime creativity. 

What is responsible for our gasp for purpose and self awareness to build a future in our own world. For our own being.

 There is ! Right there !

There stands our consciousness. There lay our hope. There we find our true self. 

Written by Grace balogun. #wordoftheday

The demon in all of us.

If I said I believed in demons. My heart would shiver. Sink into its core. Demons are not to be spoken off. Non existent that I make believe.

My life has been travelling through the earth. Met a few demons. Some are kind. Some are like minded. Some are cruel.

But, there is one I live with. The one that wakes up when I open my eyes. The one that shuts it’s eyes when I shut mine. The one that makes life what it is for me. That’s the one that I’m most scared of.

Demons reside in the depth of the spirit. Speaking to the soul. Making plead for sins. Paying for actions. Not to be feared but to be noticed. 

If I thought life would be easy. I would say there are no demons. But it isn’t the real truth. 

For it’s real. It’s evident. It’s the truth that sometimes might be unspoken. 

Written by Grace balogun. Also inspired by a friend of mine rob & William Shakespeare. 

He played me.

You had all your good charms up your sleaves. Trying so hard to sweep me of my feet.

I knew it was too good to be true. My heart knew I would soon be fooled.

You had the eye contact to my soul. Making me feel like love was what you wanted to sow. 

If at all I missed the red flags, they were because you swoon me by wanting to carry my heavy bag. Opening the door before me. Calling me beautiful whenever you saw me. 

You never missed a moment. 

Guess you were just trying to create a moment. So that my heart would fall for your player doses.

It sucks to know you played me to get to the finish line at the cost of my heart being broken.

Maybe, I should learn to be a little guarded. I have decided. 

But, how does one know when being a gentleman is not just showmanship.

When opening the door is just courtesy.

Compliments not just one of the tricks in the book. 

When being courteous comes without an agenda?

Maybe I may turn out to be something similar or something better.

But you never just know. 

One thing is certain. Karma plays everyone the way they deserve.

Writen by Grace balogun.

A womb-man.

I am a woman.

Yes, A womb-man.

A man with a womb.

A man that bears children.

A man that brings life to this world.

I am not the man society thinks I am. I am not the man you think I am.

I am not to be considered beneath.

See, if you could only realise that I am a man with a womb.

A womb-man.

Then you wouldn’t think of me to be less than a man because I am a man.

A man with a womb.

Because I have a womb, my body is different from yours.

Yes, I am a different kind of man.

I am a man that brings men into this world.

I am a man that nurtures. 

I am a man that supports.

I am a man with strength. 

I am a man that help multiply.

I am a man that multiplies.

I am a womb-man.

A wo-man.

Written by Grace balogun 

Underestimating.

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

Thinking you couldn’t do this and do that.

Wondering if you were capable of …? Or able to…?

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

Putting yourself down.

Saying damn you can’t do this now.

You became the judge of your own strength. 

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

The inner voice shouting no!

The devil behind your ears screaming!

You spirit was guiding!

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

Girl! You are falling!

Failure is calling!

You are going to move towards failing!

What was saying!

Was you!

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

You had to prove to you.

Had to show you.

Had to convince you.

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

That you were surprised.

When you finally made it.

Fought back.

Could complete it.

Survived.

Finally did it.

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

To the extent that you had to change the 

Percepion you had of yourself.

Most of the time, we are the  ones pushing ourselves down and judging our capabilities before we even had the chance to prove our strength. Some of us are our own worst judges.

Written Grace balogun

I shouldn’t have asked.

Yes, I shouldn’t have asked. 

When I knew deep down.

I was scared of the answers.

I knew I didn’t want to know.

What if it was, what if it were.

What if it was the worst thought that I had in my mind.

But, yet I asked.

I wanted to know. I wanted to hear the opposite of what you said.

I wanted to hear no. 

I wanted you to say that you were still single.

That you haven’t found anyone. That you were not being touched by her. Or that you weren’t touching her.

But, I asked. And I got the answers I didn’t want to hear.

Those words crushed my heart. It felt like an arrow pierced through. It couldn’t escape. It was stuck there.

I felt a huge black cloud cover my ability to think straight. 

I wanted to reverse time. Go back to when I decided not to ask you. Where I decided that it was best I didn’t know. It was best. It was best, I didn’t know.

This is the best example of curiosity killing the cat. I became the cat that died that moment. 

I felt ashamed. I don’t know why. I felt betrayed by myself. By you. By her.

I knew it was too soon. Too soon to hear it. I was still fragile. I was still vulnerable to your words. I wasn’t strong yet.

I felt numb. I felt dumb to speak. I couldn’t say anything to you to change things. 

I had lost in this battle. I had failed. 

It still hurts sometimes when I think of it. I try not to think. I try not to imagine you with her. I just can’t. It would kill me.

Maybe, one day you will be back. But, I don’t think I would take you back. Not to date again. But, just as friends. Yes. 

I want you to be present in my life. I want to feel like we are still in good terms. Because what hurts the most is the fact that I can’t talk to you like before.

I want to talk. As friends. Just to get over all that had happened. 

If I know you are still there to talk. If I know you still want to talk to me. I would feel alive again.

Because you disappearing is what hurts the most. Absolutely,  hurt the most.

Written by Grace balogun

This time around it will be different.

I will make up for all the times that you said I looked beautiful, complimenting me everytime we met. I know, I didn’t show you how much it meant to me that you said those things. But, I secretly loved it. 

I know because of my insecurities I refused to believe it. To believe that I was beautiful. To believe that you could actually mean those words. My doubts made me ignore your love. Your kindness. Your ability to observe everything about me. What I wore. How I looked that day. Now I know it was affection not pretense.
I was wrong to not do the same for you. I was wrong to never give you a single word of compliment though you showered me with many. 

I will make up for all the times where you tried to create a magical moment, something that would have been a wonderful memory inbuilt forever in our minds. Like when you danced with me in public display and broke out one of your funny dances. But, I got shy and sat down making you stop. Or the time you tried dancing with me at you place and I didn’t respond. I just stood there and was cold.

I should have danced that same silly dance you did or even more, break out some of my wierd dances that I normally do when no one is around. 

I will make up for the times when I didn’t show I cared. I didn’t tell you how much I loved seeing you. How much I missed you. I didn’t tell you that I loved you.

Yes, I am very closed up because I was so scared of getting hurt. Of being too affectionate and having to feel like I didn’t get what I gave. I know I should have showed you the love and care that you deserve.

I will make up for the times I was extremely mean and rude. You of all people didn’t deserve the f word. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Yes, I am always hard on people I love. It’s hard to love someone who you are scared might hurt you. 

I will make up for the times that I lied that I prefered another guy to you.

It was a fat ass lie. I wanted you to be jealous. I wanted to know if you would fight for me. If you would not give up. I know you didn’t give up. You still tried. 

When you said you and I were good together. I should have said yes I felt the same way. I should have never said the other guy was what I wanted. When I knew I wanted you.

I will make up for the times when you asked me to come home, so you could cook me a meal. And all I did was be rude about it and told you I didn’t want you to cook for me. All I cared about was my anger on other flaws that you had, that I didn’t let your good side be accepted.

I should have said what I felt. But, I was angry at you for not having time to be there always. Though, maybe I should have understood you better. Tried to make the best of the gestures and things you wanted to do for me.

I will make up for the times you wanted to hand over your shirt to me because I was feeling cold. You didn’t care what people would say on the street or if you weren’t wearing much underneath. 

I always let my shyness come in between us. I should have made a moment out of that and then maybe laughed about it later on. 

Or the time you wanted to carry my heavy bag and I shrugged you off rudely. I know I can’t express myself really well. I should have let you help me. I should have made you feel that I loved your support.

I will make up for the times you tried to get me back and I was just plain rude and cold. Though I wanted us to get over the issues and get back together.

I will make up for the times that I didn’t tell you on the call that I wanted us back. Even though you asked me what I wanted. And I said I didn’t know. I just was wishing you would say the words and I would agree. But I guess you were hurt already by me that you were scared too.

I will make up for the times that we were together and I didn’t hug you tight. Hold you close In stead being all distant so I didn’t get attached to you. 

I wish I could go back in time and redo it all. I know no one would have allowed themselves to be treated that way. But you cared so much about me even though your words some times spoke the opposite. And my actions spoke the opposite of my heart. 

I wish I could make up for all those times.

I wish I could. But you already told me you have someone new. 

So, I will make up for those times by working on my flaws. Growing into a matured woman. Someone who has control over her feelings and emotions. Someone who would live in the present rather than let the thought of the future destroy the good of the present.

I will make up for those times by taking the first step of letting you get the love that you deserve. Or the kind of affection that you want and need. 

Hopefully, she treats you better than I did.

Written by Grace balogun