A womb-man.

I am a woman.

Yes, A womb-man.

A man with a womb.

A man that bears children.

A man that brings life to this world.

I am not the man society thinks I am. I am not the man you think I am.

I am not to be considered beneath.

See, if you could only realise that I am a man with a womb.

A womb-man.

Then you wouldn’t think of me to be less than a man because I am a man.

A man with a womb.

Because I have a womb, my body is different from yours.

Yes, I am a different kind of man.

I am a man that brings men into this world.

I am a man that nurtures. 

I am a man that supports.

I am a man with strength. 

I am a man that help multiply.

I am a man that multiplies.

I am a womb-man.

A wo-man.

Written by Grace balogun 

Underestimating.

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

Thinking you couldn’t do this and do that.

Wondering if you were capable of …? Or able to…?

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

Putting yourself down.

Saying damn you can’t do this now.

You became the judge of your own strength. 

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

The inner voice shouting no!

The devil behind your ears screaming!

You spirit was guiding!

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

Girl! You are falling!

Failure is calling!

You are going to move towards failing!

What was saying!

Was you!

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

You had to prove to you.

Had to show you.

Had to convince you.

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

That you were surprised.

When you finally made it.

Fought back.

Could complete it.

Survived.

Finally did it.

Have you ever underestimated yourself?

To the extent that you had to change the 

Percepion you had of yourself.

Most of the time, we are the  ones pushing ourselves down and judging our capabilities before we even had the chance to prove our strength. Some of us are our own worst judges.

Written Grace balogun

I shouldn’t have asked.

Yes, I shouldn’t have asked. 

When I knew deep down.

I was scared of the answers.

I knew I didn’t want to know.

What if it was, what if it were.

What if it was the worst thought that I had in my mind.

But, yet I asked.

I wanted to know. I wanted to hear the opposite of what you said.

I wanted to hear no. 

I wanted you to say that you were still single.

That you haven’t found anyone. That you were not being touched by her. Or that you weren’t touching her.

But, I asked. And I got the answers I didn’t want to hear.

Those words crushed my heart. It felt like an arrow pierced through. It couldn’t escape. It was stuck there.

I felt a huge black cloud cover my ability to think straight. 

I wanted to reverse time. Go back to when I decided not to ask you. Where I decided that it was best I didn’t know. It was best. It was best, I didn’t know.

This is the best example of curiosity killing the cat. I became the cat that died that moment. 

I felt ashamed. I don’t know why. I felt betrayed by myself. By you. By her.

I knew it was too soon. Too soon to hear it. I was still fragile. I was still vulnerable to your words. I wasn’t strong yet.

I felt numb. I felt dumb to speak. I couldn’t say anything to you to change things. 

I had lost in this battle. I had failed. 

It still hurts sometimes when I think of it. I try not to think. I try not to imagine you with her. I just can’t. It would kill me.

Maybe, one day you will be back. But, I don’t think I would take you back. Not to date again. But, just as friends. Yes. 

I want you to be present in my life. I want to feel like we are still in good terms. Because what hurts the most is the fact that I can’t talk to you like before.

I want to talk. As friends. Just to get over all that had happened. 

If I know you are still there to talk. If I know you still want to talk to me. I would feel alive again.

Because you disappearing is what hurts the most. Absolutely,  hurt the most.

Written by Grace balogun

This time around it will be different.

I will make up for all the times that you said I looked beautiful, complimenting me everytime we met. I know, I didn’t show you how much it meant to me that you said those things. But, I secretly loved it. 

I know because of my insecurities I refused to believe it. To believe that I was beautiful. To believe that you could actually mean those words. My doubts made me ignore your love. Your kindness. Your ability to observe everything about me. What I wore. How I looked that day. Now I know it was affection not pretense.
I was wrong to not do the same for you. I was wrong to never give you a single word of compliment though you showered me with many. 

I will make up for all the times where you tried to create a magical moment, something that would have been a wonderful memory inbuilt forever in our minds. Like when you danced with me in public display and broke out one of your funny dances. But, I got shy and sat down making you stop. Or the time you tried dancing with me at you place and I didn’t respond. I just stood there and was cold.

I should have danced that same silly dance you did or even more, break out some of my wierd dances that I normally do when no one is around. 

I will make up for the times when I didn’t show I cared. I didn’t tell you how much I loved seeing you. How much I missed you. I didn’t tell you that I loved you.

Yes, I am very closed up because I was so scared of getting hurt. Of being too affectionate and having to feel like I didn’t get what I gave. I know I should have showed you the love and care that you deserve.

I will make up for the times I was extremely mean and rude. You of all people didn’t deserve the f word. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Yes, I am always hard on people I love. It’s hard to love someone who you are scared might hurt you. 

I will make up for the times that I lied that I prefered another guy to you.

It was a fat ass lie. I wanted you to be jealous. I wanted to know if you would fight for me. If you would not give up. I know you didn’t give up. You still tried. 

When you said you and I were good together. I should have said yes I felt the same way. I should have never said the other guy was what I wanted. When I knew I wanted you.

I will make up for the times when you asked me to come home, so you could cook me a meal. And all I did was be rude about it and told you I didn’t want you to cook for me. All I cared about was my anger on other flaws that you had, that I didn’t let your good side be accepted.

I should have said what I felt. But, I was angry at you for not having time to be there always. Though, maybe I should have understood you better. Tried to make the best of the gestures and things you wanted to do for me.

I will make up for the times you wanted to hand over your shirt to me because I was feeling cold. You didn’t care what people would say on the street or if you weren’t wearing much underneath. 

I always let my shyness come in between us. I should have made a moment out of that and then maybe laughed about it later on. 

Or the time you wanted to carry my heavy bag and I shrugged you off rudely. I know I can’t express myself really well. I should have let you help me. I should have made you feel that I loved your support.

I will make up for the times you tried to get me back and I was just plain rude and cold. Though I wanted us to get over the issues and get back together.

I will make up for the times that I didn’t tell you on the call that I wanted us back. Even though you asked me what I wanted. And I said I didn’t know. I just was wishing you would say the words and I would agree. But I guess you were hurt already by me that you were scared too.

I will make up for the times that we were together and I didn’t hug you tight. Hold you close In stead being all distant so I didn’t get attached to you. 

I wish I could go back in time and redo it all. I know no one would have allowed themselves to be treated that way. But you cared so much about me even though your words some times spoke the opposite. And my actions spoke the opposite of my heart. 

I wish I could make up for all those times.

I wish I could. But you already told me you have someone new. 

So, I will make up for those times by working on my flaws. Growing into a matured woman. Someone who has control over her feelings and emotions. Someone who would live in the present rather than let the thought of the future destroy the good of the present.

I will make up for those times by taking the first step of letting you get the love that you deserve. Or the kind of affection that you want and need. 

Hopefully, she treats you better than I did.

Written by Grace balogun

In her own head.

She locked herself in her head. Thinking no one cared. 

She became quiet. She was tired. Tired of what she was going through. 

If only someone could see the darkness that had consumed her life.

She no longer felt happy. 

She had pushed everyone away. Her world had become lonely. 

She feared that she had lost her friends forever. She would never get her friends back. For the love they gave her, she now saw lack.

If only she could run away from her pain. She wanted to live again. 

She knew he was the reason why she had lost it all. Though, his love was what she wanted but why does she still feel empty. 

His demands have dried her up. But yet she still searches within for something within her to give.

She wonders if he loves her. If he cared the way she did. If he would leave everything for her. And only her. 

She is too scared to ask him. To ask anything of him. For he is the only one left in her life. Everyone has left her behind. 

She craves for her life to go back to the way it was. Where she had her smile. She had her friends. She was happy. 

But, she isn’t strong enough to walk away from him. Though he suffocates her.

She feels stuck between him and herself.

Written by Grace balogun

A man.

A man who hits a woman hates himself.

A man that doesn’t love himself cannot love a woman.

A man who hits a woman and hates himself is a man going through a crisis. 

A man going through a crisis is a dangerous man.

Written by Grace balogun